Selfish ramblings

Wow! It has been well over a month since I've felt the need to rant enough to get on here. I think part of that is due to my new found hobby of jewelry making. I'm much more peaceful and relaxed now.

BUT, spending a day with my family has brought up some anger so I might as well put it to use.

Last Sunday my Uncle Marvin died, after kicking cancer's ass for nearly two years. (His plan was to "kick cancer's ass" and he put up quite a fight!) As if losing such an important member of our family wasn't enough my family has to add even more drama. Someone didn't call someone else when it was evident that he was actually dying. Then someone wasn't able to make it to the services so half the family is pissed at him. Really, we have to fight RIGHT now, about all this petty shit?!

I think I did pretty good about keeping my cool. I would walk away when they started. I let it roll off me. I was there to say good bye to my uncle and to let my Aunt 'Laine now that I love her and I'm sorry I didn't make it to see Uncle Marvin before he passed.

But that doesn't mean it didn't get to me. I had to hear bitching about the brother who couldn't make it. He tried. I talked to him EVERY DAY last week and discussed his options. It's funny how I was told "it's ok if you can't make it" but they get pissy when he has to make the tough decision to stay home. And all this reminds me about my "going away" cookout. My friends from college came, some from as far away as PA (with their 8 month old baby who had had medical issues since birth). Yet my siblings who live in OH couldn't make it. A week or so before the cookout I made the trip from VA to WV to get my mom and she and I went to OH to see the family. One of my brothers wasn't home, even though he knew we were coming to his house. So mom and I ran all over trying to find him. He wasn't at any of the places he was supposed to be. Oh well. I was told none of my siblings from Ohio could afford to come see me for my going away party. Ok, whatever.

Less than a year after moving to CA I flew to Ohio to visit for my nephew's high school graduation party. My brother, the nephew's own father, refused to come to his kid's party. So, my mom called and told my brother we would be over to visit the next day, before I left town. We drove to my brother's house and he and his wife were GONE. They had decided to go out 4-wheeler riding after they were told we were coming over. How is that acceptable behavior?!?!?

My sister is the only person in my family who has made any effort to visit me since I moved to VA in 1998. I have told each one of them (except my oldest brother whom I have basically disowned) that they are welcomed to visit. Even my oldest brother contacted me and came to visit when I lived in CA. Yet I'm expected to run to Ohio to visit them.

In December 2009 my sister and I had a disagreement. My brother David decided to get involved. From what I was told "he thought if I got mad at him Amy and I would make up". Yeah, that makes sense. Well, when he butted in I attempted to call him SEVERAL times so we could discuss the issue as adults. He would not accept my calls and would not call me back. All he would do is text "bullshit" to my cell phone, several times in a 30 minute period. The things he wrote on my FB page were absolutely horrible. I have my doubts he actually said most of them though. I suspect his wife was more involved that she'll admit. When I told him to stop contacting me or pick up the phone like an adult, he finally stopped. When he had surgery this summer I sent him a card (and money to buy the ingredients to make some cupcakes that I sent the recipe for. Figured that would be better than flowers). My mom knows he got the card but he claims there was no money. I admit, I could have forgotten to put it in the envelope as I was dealing with the imminent death of a dear friend. But I doubt it. He even called my cell phone and left a message that he loved me. I didn't answer the phone b/c I was sleeping. Sleep was something I didn't get much of while spending two weeks watching a friend die. Now, if I had threatened him, as he said I had, why would I send him a card and why would he call me? If I had told him to "lose my number" as he has told I did, WHY would he call me and why would I respond?! I sent him a Christmas card, as I did the rest of my family and he actually wrote "refused, return to sender" and sent it back. Wow! Sadly I had already mailed his birthday card. He kept that. Mom told me he "really regretted" sending the Xmas card back. Please. He regrets that my mom chewed him out. That's all.

I sit and think of all that I've put up with and I get so angry. I'm 36 yrs old. My sister remembers my birthday every year. It's hard to forget my birthday when her son was born on the same day! My oldest brother, who I have told to stop contacting me b/c I don't really want a crook in my life, always remembers my birthday. In fact, this year, after I had told him to never contact me again, he attempted to call THREE times. (Gotta give him credit for that!) My youngest brother also never forgets my birthday. But the other two boys? Well, they NEVER REMEMBER. (And one of them, his WIFE and I share the date.) Except two years ago. I had gone camping. And when I returned I had messages from ALL 5 of my siblings. I told Pat something wasn't right about that. My mom later admitted that she called and told them to contact me b/c I was home sick. Wow, thanks mom. Way to make me feel loved. Tell me that you had to REMIND my siblings that it was my birthday. Warm and fuzzy feelings right there. On the other hand I don't think I have ever forgotten their birthdays. I may have sent a card late, but I never forget them. Even when we aren't getting along well.

I just can't understand why I am always told to be the bigger person. Why am I told to rise above and not sink to their level? Why aren't THEY told to grow up and be better people? Why do I have to accept them being assholes towards me? Why is "well, that's just how he is" an acceptable reason for being a douche bag?!

I "love" my family very much. I just really don't "like" them sometimes. And I actually feel guilty about that. I wonder if they ever feel guilty for how they have treated me in the past? Somehow I doubt it.