Opinions and Judgments and Criticizing, OH MY!

Everyone has opinions, right? And I think judging and criticizing is human nature. But how do we stop that? Or at least control it.

I am probably one of the most judgmental, strongly opinionated and critical people you will ever meet. I know this about myself. I honestly make an effort not to be this way. I have made huge strides over the last 10 years to rein it in. I'm proud of that but I know it's an ongoing battle. Sometimes I'm so bitchy I can't believe it myself! Contrary to popular belief I do not think I am perfect or 100% correct. I am learning to admit my mistakes.

That is why I'm "venting" today. Someone told me today that a good goal for me is "be employed". I may be misinterpreting this comment as it was "written" and in cases of email, etc you can't get the "tone" of the thought. But since I get this A LOT, I'm going to assume it meant that I need to get off my ass and find a job. If you don't know, I am a "housewife". I do not have a job outside the home. I do not have kids. I have a husband and two dogs and at this time, a very small apartment to take care of. I have worked since I was 18 years old. I worked while getting my 4 year degree in three years. I have had a few months from time to time when I was unemployed. I have held several jobs in my nearly 37 years. In 2007 I found I could no longer continue at the job I had for a few reasons, one of them being ethical issues. My husband was at a point in his career that he could afford the bills and our lifestyle and he agreed that we could make it on his income. He encouraged me to quit my job as I was unhappy and becoming ill from stress. From the day I quit my job I began hearing the criticism. I was lazy. It's not like I had kids to take care of. Why did I think I was too good to work? My husband actually loves having me home all the time. I did all the chores in the house, mowed the lawn, fixed his coffee and breakfast at 5 am, packed his lunch and had his dinner on the table when he got home. I worked out and got exercise, something I "never had time for" while working. I kept myself busy by learning to sew and doing crafts with my girlfriends then I volunteered at a retirement home a few days a week. Yet people still criticize me. I don't get it. It is none of their business. If this choice was good for me and my husband, why is it anyone else's business? I could see it if I were drawing money from the state. I could see it if I were asking people for money or aid of some sort. I could see it if I weren't being a productive part of society and weren't paying my bills. But I am productive. I was active with two community organizations as well as my volunteer activities. I also work with an organization supporting our troops serving in the wars. Where did anyone get off judging me! People do not know the sacrifices we have made to allow me to stay home. We have one income. We do not travel as much as a lot of our friends. We rarely take a vacation and if we do it is usually short and cheap! We have one vehicle. We live in a dinky little apartment that is far below my standards. (Ok, that's the snob in me talking!) We don't go out to events, concerts, etc as much as some people do. That's not really a sacrifice as we tend not to enjoy such things much. But we have made the decision to not do these things because we don't want to and my happiness and sanity is very important to both of us.

It's not just me that is criticized for my choice. I know lots of "stay at home moms" who are judged harshly for choosing to stay home. Well guess what, I personally think THEY ARE RIGHT! My opinion is that if you have kids you should stay home to take are of them. Why are you having children for someone else to raise? Why is putting more money in the bank more important than being there for your kid's first steps and first words? Yes, taking care of kids is expensive. But the most of the working moms I know of aren't working to make ends meet. They are working so they can buy new cars and flashy jewelry and pretty clothes for themselves and their kids. They are taking vacations several times a year. Well, that's just great, if that's what they want to do. But don't bitch to me that you are never home to take care of your kids and see your spouse. That is YOUR CHOICE. If you chose tighten the belt and stop spoiling your child with everything they whined for you could stay home too. My point is, it's a choice. And it may not be YOUR choice but you should respect others enough to not trash talk them because you disagree with or don't understand their choice. I think that's what we need to learn. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion but we don't need to share that opinion with everyone all the time. This is something I'm struggling with. Believe me! I am aware. I get so frustrated sometimes when I see people doing things that I disagree with and that "in my opinion" are wrong. But I'm learning to bite my tongue. I may rant and rave here at home but I'd never tell you that I think you screwed up raising your kids. Oh, I have done this in the past and when it comes to my family, I feel the right to voice my opinion and to criticize. Especially when what I'm seeing is harmful in some way to the kids or when you bitch and whine to me. If you constantly want to tell me your problems, I am going to tell you what I think. Fair trade, don'tcha think?

Everyone is on social media websites. I love being able to stay in touch with friends and family. And I know not everyone is going to agree with everything I say on these outlets. I encourage and actually like having mature discussions on "controversial" topics such as politics, etc. Note "MATURE". Part of having a mature discussion, I feel, involves getting FACTS. Do not spew crap on my page. If you want to throw in your two cents worth, fine. But please, do it respectfully and don't feed me lies and propaganda. And when I suggest you look into the facts, either do so and continue our conversation or refuse to do so and shut the hell up.

And when I post about something that is important to me, such as ending animal abuse, don't waste my time arguing against it. That just makes you look like an ass and wastes my time. I despise people who find it necessary to belittle me or insist on goading me into an argument when it's something I feel strongly about. Just because you don't believe in something (or anything) strongly enough to stand for it, don't criticize me.

Wow, I think I got a little off topic. But I also think I covered my issues for today.

Everyone has opinions. It's human nature to judge and criticize. But we really need to take a good look at ourselves before we voice all of our opinions, judgements and critical thoughts. If it can't be done in a mature, responsible way, don't do it.

Now, if I can just practice what I preach!

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

:o)

When is enough, enough?

This blog idea came to me as I was listening to a "This American Life" story about prison inmates doing the play Hamlet. The journalist met the inmates and got to know them after they were incarcerated. For most of them, he didn't know what crimes they had committed. He learned to like them for the people they are NOW. Then he went to the records office and looked up each one of his new "friends" and saw what crimes they had committed. Murder, rape of children, etc. He felt sick. He liked these men but how could he after he knew what they had done in their past.

This story got me to thinking about my oldest brother and how I feel about him after his numerous trips to jail. Then I thought about another family dealing with the bad choices of some of their relatives. And I read an article about cutting people loose, ending relationships with friends and family members.

So, starting with my original thought...My oldest brother is Trouble! (Note that capital T. NOT a typo!) He is in his early 50's and has "done time" on several occasions. I can't even begin to count the number of times he's been in jail. And I don't even know all the reasons. I have been told that he has made the statement that he "has done it all", referring to the 10 Commandments he's broken. That would lead one to assume he's committed murder though I have no proof. I know he lies and steals and sure as shit doesn't honor our parents. That's enough for me. He walked out on his wife and three children, not supporting the kids monetarily or emotionally. When he did have his oldest son with him he allowed his new "companion" to be abusive. He has lied to my parents and done things to cause them grief and financial hardship without a second thought. For those reasons alone I had written him off. I wanted nothing to do with him. But still, he called me every year on my birthday, just three days after his. Of all my siblings, he is the only one who has never forgotten my birthday. I took his calls and was civil but I don't think I was overly friendly. When I moved to CA my mom told him where I was and gave him my new phone number as he was going to be in my area. Oh, Mother! WHY?! ("He's your brother.") He did call but I wouldn't give him my address. I fear he is like a bad penny and would keep showing up. I admit, avoiding him was easier than facing him and telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. I still did not want to hurt his feelings. Instead of having him come to my new house I agreed to meet him two towns over. I met him at Wendy's. It was the first (and so far only) time I have met his youngest daughter. We talked for hours. He was clean. But honestly, if I had seen him on the street I don't think I would have recognized him at all. (We had not seen each other in person since the mid 80's.) And if I had seen him as a stranger on the street my thoughts of him wouldn't have been nice. But he was family so I agreed to stay in touch. He called about every month or so just to check in and spin stories. Then, he stopped calling. And he hadn't called my parents. Mom mentioned that he must be in jail. Yep, he was. It's amazing what you can find on the internet these days. I found his mug shot, where he was being held, his charges and bond. Well, he was released after a couple months, he began his calls to my parents then one day they stopped, again. Mom said he must be in jail, again. Then Mom told me he had started calling my parents collect. My parents are on a limited income and do not have funds to waste on stupidity. He would yell "It's Jr, I need money" when the operator asked him to state his name. How he could have the nerve to ask my parents for money is beyond me. His current wife called my brother's old cell phone and left a similar message. I did the research but couldn't find as much info this time. So I called the jail in Fort Worth, TX. Yes, the nice man said, he is here. He's being held on two charges, bail is set at...I stopped listening. I asked him if they didn't have a three strikes law in TX? He said yes and this was his third arrest (THERE at least) but that he'd be able to get out. I told him the family said they can keep him, we don't want him. He laughed but I didn't. I was dead serious. He spent his 50th birthday in jail. I sent him a nice letter and told him to stop calling the parents for money as they didn't have it and wouldn't bail him out even if they did. (Mind you, my parents have called the law on him before!) I told him to lose my number as he was not the type of person I wanted to associate with, relative or not. I did however tell him if he would make sure we knew how to contact him I would let him know if and when something happens to our parents. I did that for THEM, not him. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. He didn't call for a year. Then, on my 36th birthday, while I was having a party with my best friends in CA, he called. I let it ring. He called back...I took the phone to my husband and asked that he handle it, tell him to stop calling. Pat answered and when Jr asked for me he told him I wasn't there. And he hung up as my dog ran out the door into the yard at that very moment. Jr told my parents he had had a nice talked to Pat on my birthday. Wow...nice conversation.

I told my parents the day I mailed the letter to him. I told them I didn't speak for them but I am done with him. DONE. Mom still gives me the guilt trip sometimes. "He loves you. He asks about you every time he calls." Then the next time we talk she'll tell me how he is such a loser and trash. In the months after I sent that letter I truly struggled with my decision to cut him out of my life. I mean, he hadn't done anything to me personally. And he was "blood". Did I have the right to cut him out of my life completely? Pat and I talked about it and I came to realize that yes, I have that right. I have the right to NOT associate with bad people. Just because we share a parent doesn't mean I have to put up with ignorance and stupidity and illegal activity. If we didn't share a parent and he were just another person I met along the way, I would have nothing to do with him. I am at peace with my decision. I wish him no harm, as I told him in the letter. I really hope he gets his life together and grows up. But I'm not going to be a part of his life.

We were recently the victims of a crime (theft) and it made me think of my brother. I told Pat with the way I was feeling towards the horrible people who ripped me off how could I have any sympathy towards my brother who has committed crimes against other people?

I've rattled on enough for today but I think there shall be a When is enough, enough? PART 2.

Oooo...I'm heartless.

I am amazed at the outpouring of grief I've seen over the last two days for Ryan Dunn. (If you've not been into the Jackass scene, he is one of the goofballs who does all the stunts for the Jackass movies and TV shows, as well as some other entertainment ventures.)

I'm a fan of Jackass but I think these guys are idiots. Fun, nice enough guys, but idiots all the same. They've made us laugh. I HOPE they have done more for the world than that, but I don't really know. I've not heard of any of their "good deeds". But then again, aren't good deeds supposed to be done without gaining anything? Ok, benefit of the doubt, they have done wonderful things.

But, it wasn't some tragic "accident" that killed him. It wasn't an airplane falling from the sky or him choking on a peanut. No, he was supposedly driving 130 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. Hello Moron! NOT SAFE. Dare I say STUPID. If I could talk to him I'd remind him how he was an irresponsible jackass who has brought a tremendous amount of pain to his loved ones. Some stupid, careless act that could have been avoided has cost him his life and left a huge empty spot in the lives of those who loved him. Stupid, stupid...

And don't even get me started if they prove this was a case of DUI. I guess we should be grateful some innocent bystander wasn't hurt.

I guess that is really mean of me, huh. But I can't help it. If this were a loved one of mine, I'd be sad and hurt of course. But I'd also be pissed that he did something so unbelievably STUPID. I have many loved ones who smoke, even after watching other loved ones die from lung cancer. We all know smoking is "bad". So if they get lung cancer, I won't be surprised. I won't be the one saying "why them?!" I also won't say "I told you so". (Well, maybe I will. Ya never know. I am that much of a bitch.)

I guess I'm just annoyed by society as a whole. Really, we are so distraught when someone like this dies because of his own stupidity. But where is the reaction and sadness and heartbreak when a service member dies fighting for our country? Or a police office is killed in the line of duty? Or a poor innocent dog is starved to death or beaten by an ignorant human?

Ryan Dunn is not a hero. He was a stupid guy who got rich and famous for being stupid. And unfortunately his stupidity cost him his life.

Rant, rant and rant some more

I've heard a couple news stories and received a few emails lately that have just burned my butt.

First, there is a group of physicians that want to "retire" Ronald McDonald because he is an advertising gimmick aimed towards selling bad food to kids. I'm getting so sick and tired of someone always jumping up and trying to place blame on anyone and everyone besides who is really responsible. It is up to PARENTS to teach their kids to eat healthy foods. It is up to the PARENTS to say "NO". No, you can't have McDonalds five days a week. When did "NO" become a horrible thing for parents to say?! I don't see many little kids getting to McDonalds on their own and using their own money to buy nuggets. Am I missing something? Americans needs to suck it up and take responsibility for their individual actions. We should not have to get rid of icons of advertising just because a bunch of parents don't have the backbone to stand up to their kids or are too freaking lazy to cook.

(As a side note, I have NEVER smoked a cigarette in my life. Yet, I though Joe Camel was awesome.)

Second...we recently got an email of a large, ignorant black woman declaring her support of President Obama. She was saying how she LOVES "Amerca" because now she's going to get the Obama healthcare plan and get free medical care. HELLO?!?! Does anyone use their heads anymore? We have free medical care. It's called WELFARE. I know so many people who don't lift a finger to work yet are perfectly able to do so. They get food stamps, SSI, free medical, free childcare, etc. I support a healthcare plan that will offer help to people like MY PARENTS who have worked hard their entire lives yet can't get much in the way of any help whatsoever. What we need to do is overhaul the SSI and welfare systems. Maybe then we'll have some money to pay off our national debt and fund Obama-care. How about, if you are going to get welfare of any sort, NO DRINKING ALCOHOL AND NO CIGARETTES. Why am I paying to feed your kids yet I don't waste my money on booze and smokes but YOU DO?!?!?!? Why am I paying to take care of your kids and I can't afford to take a vacation BUT YOU DO!?!?!?!? How about if you are going to get SSI, you have to actually be SICK? "I can't work because I get nervous" isn't a legitimate reason to not work. Guess what? I get nervous too. I have major anxiety attacks. I get so nervous before appointment, meetings, interviews that I spend an hour or more sitting on the toilet crapping my guts out. BUT I AM STILL WILLING TO WORK!!!! How about not allowing people who get SSI, welfare, etc to run to the doctor just because they have a freaking headache or a splinter. Why do I pay for them to run to the doctor 8 days a week but when I have a headache I take care of myself with oh, aspirin?

The other "viral" thing that has had me pissed off recently is the "the death of Osama is not a victory for Obama." WTH does that mean?! Did I miss Obama patting himself on the back during interviews and taking all the credit? People have actually said in one post "this is a victory for all Americans" and in the very next post "this is NOT a victory for Obama". Excuse me? Obama IS an American and he IS the leader of our country. It was a victory for Obama. He is the one who made it a priority to continue hunting him down. He ordered the mission that caught him. I love America but sometimes the complete ignorance of Americans baffles me.

And while I'm ranting...WHY would anyone consider voting for Donald Trump? The man is a lying, cheating piece of shit. He is ignorant. He has run how many businesses into the ground? Oh yeah, let's put him in charge of our country. He has no clue what he is talking about, ever. He is rude, crude and just plain gross. If Trump ever become president...I'm leaving.

And so, in closing...my something positive for the day. (You thought I forgot my plan to say one positive thing each post, didn't you?) Yesterday I got mail from my CA family. After my last post when I was so down about having left them, it was much needed. There's something about getting pictures colored by a 3 yr old and a 7 yr old that just makes everything better. I also got to talk to one of my CA family on the phone this weekend. :o) All is right with the world now. (Until I get another stupid email.)

Moody blues

First, let me say I am VERY happy to be back on the right...well, East coast! I really feel we are east coasters for sure. I love the green, the smells, the actual WEATHER!

But I miss my house. And I miss my ravens, who should have a nest full of babies about ready to leave home. And I miss my irises. And I miss my CA family most of all. I am sad I haven't gotten to meet baby Jack and I'm sad I'm not there to see new baby Ethan. And I'm missing Ian's third birthday. I miss craft days at Cyndee's. Especially the ones when I got no crafting done. ;o) I miss hearing about "my" kids' school days. I miss Tuesday night dinners at the lodge and parades. And impromptu lunches and dinners at Tom's. And I really miss those chubby little fingers stealing croutons and veggies off my salad.

The last 12 months or so have been pretty tough. I've lost two people to the evil Big C. I didn't realize I'd still think of them every single day. I didn't think I'd still be doing double takes because someone looks just like one of them. I guess I didn't realize just how much I liked having him around and seeing him several times a week. I hope he knows how much he meant to me. And I hope the other one knows as well. I didn't see him often as I was growing up but he was my favorite. (Shhh...don't tell.) I hope they found each other on the other side because I really think they'd hit it off. They were both jokers and caring guys. And they both liked NASCAR! When I get too sad that's what I picture. Those two men sitting around bull shittin', having a smoke and a cup of coffee. (Ya think they allow that in Heaven?)

So that's my mood today. Kind of blah. But I'll shake it off and get back to my normal happy self. (Ha haaa! Really, I AM happy.)

Here's to a happy life!

William and Kate got married today. You most likely know who that is, unless you've been living under a rock. I admit, I watched a little of it on CNN this morning. I wanted to see Kate's dress. And I wanted to see William's reaction the first time he saw her in it. I'm a hopeless romantic I guess.

What I find amazing is the snarky comments I'm seeing on FaceBook. Ok, so that's not the best place to be spending my time I guess. But I do spend a lot of time on there. And what I'm seeing out of my friends/family is not very nice.

I can totally agree the 24/7 coverage has been irksome! Like there's nothing more important going on in the world? But, ok...go ahead and cover it. What I don't get is the awful things people are saying. I've seen "she's only after his money". Wait, from what I've seen and heard, the royal family doesn't have a lot of their own money. I mean, the tax payers foot the bill for their lives, right? Maybe I'm wrong. But did you know Kate, while considered a "commoner" actually comes from a pretty wealthy family? Yep. Her parents were both flight attendants. Then her dad was a flight dispatcher. And her parents own a party supply business. So, I don't think she's gonna need "his money".

Then there's the "they'll be divorced in five years" comments. Wow, just wow. What kind of person is so bitter that they naturally assume people will get divorced at all, let alone in such a short time? Maybe they will. But I'd prefer to hold on to the hope that they'll be different than the most recent royal couples. They really seem to be in love. They sure don't seem like Princess Di and Charles were at the time of their marriage. Of course, I'm sure we are seeing a very scripted view of them. But they still seem so different than other couples I've seen. And really, who are we to judge? We only see what the press shows us, which is only what the royal family wants us to see really. As my husband says, you never know what things are like INSIDE a relationship unless you are in it.

I just really think it's sad to see such negativity. Why don't we put out good thoughts and wishes for the newly weds? Maybe it will get into the universe and help keep them from being another divorce statistic.

All this wedding talk reminds me that in just 17 days it will be our 13th wedding anniversary. I hope William and Kate are as happy as Pat and I are. That's my wish for everyone!

CHEERS!

Selfish ramblings

Wow! It has been well over a month since I've felt the need to rant enough to get on here. I think part of that is due to my new found hobby of jewelry making. I'm much more peaceful and relaxed now.

BUT, spending a day with my family has brought up some anger so I might as well put it to use.

Last Sunday my Uncle Marvin died, after kicking cancer's ass for nearly two years. (His plan was to "kick cancer's ass" and he put up quite a fight!) As if losing such an important member of our family wasn't enough my family has to add even more drama. Someone didn't call someone else when it was evident that he was actually dying. Then someone wasn't able to make it to the services so half the family is pissed at him. Really, we have to fight RIGHT now, about all this petty shit?!

I think I did pretty good about keeping my cool. I would walk away when they started. I let it roll off me. I was there to say good bye to my uncle and to let my Aunt 'Laine now that I love her and I'm sorry I didn't make it to see Uncle Marvin before he passed.

But that doesn't mean it didn't get to me. I had to hear bitching about the brother who couldn't make it. He tried. I talked to him EVERY DAY last week and discussed his options. It's funny how I was told "it's ok if you can't make it" but they get pissy when he has to make the tough decision to stay home. And all this reminds me about my "going away" cookout. My friends from college came, some from as far away as PA (with their 8 month old baby who had had medical issues since birth). Yet my siblings who live in OH couldn't make it. A week or so before the cookout I made the trip from VA to WV to get my mom and she and I went to OH to see the family. One of my brothers wasn't home, even though he knew we were coming to his house. So mom and I ran all over trying to find him. He wasn't at any of the places he was supposed to be. Oh well. I was told none of my siblings from Ohio could afford to come see me for my going away party. Ok, whatever.

Less than a year after moving to CA I flew to Ohio to visit for my nephew's high school graduation party. My brother, the nephew's own father, refused to come to his kid's party. So, my mom called and told my brother we would be over to visit the next day, before I left town. We drove to my brother's house and he and his wife were GONE. They had decided to go out 4-wheeler riding after they were told we were coming over. How is that acceptable behavior?!?!?

My sister is the only person in my family who has made any effort to visit me since I moved to VA in 1998. I have told each one of them (except my oldest brother whom I have basically disowned) that they are welcomed to visit. Even my oldest brother contacted me and came to visit when I lived in CA. Yet I'm expected to run to Ohio to visit them.

In December 2009 my sister and I had a disagreement. My brother David decided to get involved. From what I was told "he thought if I got mad at him Amy and I would make up". Yeah, that makes sense. Well, when he butted in I attempted to call him SEVERAL times so we could discuss the issue as adults. He would not accept my calls and would not call me back. All he would do is text "bullshit" to my cell phone, several times in a 30 minute period. The things he wrote on my FB page were absolutely horrible. I have my doubts he actually said most of them though. I suspect his wife was more involved that she'll admit. When I told him to stop contacting me or pick up the phone like an adult, he finally stopped. When he had surgery this summer I sent him a card (and money to buy the ingredients to make some cupcakes that I sent the recipe for. Figured that would be better than flowers). My mom knows he got the card but he claims there was no money. I admit, I could have forgotten to put it in the envelope as I was dealing with the imminent death of a dear friend. But I doubt it. He even called my cell phone and left a message that he loved me. I didn't answer the phone b/c I was sleeping. Sleep was something I didn't get much of while spending two weeks watching a friend die. Now, if I had threatened him, as he said I had, why would I send him a card and why would he call me? If I had told him to "lose my number" as he has told I did, WHY would he call me and why would I respond?! I sent him a Christmas card, as I did the rest of my family and he actually wrote "refused, return to sender" and sent it back. Wow! Sadly I had already mailed his birthday card. He kept that. Mom told me he "really regretted" sending the Xmas card back. Please. He regrets that my mom chewed him out. That's all.

I sit and think of all that I've put up with and I get so angry. I'm 36 yrs old. My sister remembers my birthday every year. It's hard to forget my birthday when her son was born on the same day! My oldest brother, who I have told to stop contacting me b/c I don't really want a crook in my life, always remembers my birthday. In fact, this year, after I had told him to never contact me again, he attempted to call THREE times. (Gotta give him credit for that!) My youngest brother also never forgets my birthday. But the other two boys? Well, they NEVER REMEMBER. (And one of them, his WIFE and I share the date.) Except two years ago. I had gone camping. And when I returned I had messages from ALL 5 of my siblings. I told Pat something wasn't right about that. My mom later admitted that she called and told them to contact me b/c I was home sick. Wow, thanks mom. Way to make me feel loved. Tell me that you had to REMIND my siblings that it was my birthday. Warm and fuzzy feelings right there. On the other hand I don't think I have ever forgotten their birthdays. I may have sent a card late, but I never forget them. Even when we aren't getting along well.

I just can't understand why I am always told to be the bigger person. Why am I told to rise above and not sink to their level? Why aren't THEY told to grow up and be better people? Why do I have to accept them being assholes towards me? Why is "well, that's just how he is" an acceptable reason for being a douche bag?!

I "love" my family very much. I just really don't "like" them sometimes. And I actually feel guilty about that. I wonder if they ever feel guilty for how they have treated me in the past? Somehow I doubt it.