When is enough, enough?

This blog idea came to me as I was listening to a "This American Life" story about prison inmates doing the play Hamlet. The journalist met the inmates and got to know them after they were incarcerated. For most of them, he didn't know what crimes they had committed. He learned to like them for the people they are NOW. Then he went to the records office and looked up each one of his new "friends" and saw what crimes they had committed. Murder, rape of children, etc. He felt sick. He liked these men but how could he after he knew what they had done in their past.

This story got me to thinking about my oldest brother and how I feel about him after his numerous trips to jail. Then I thought about another family dealing with the bad choices of some of their relatives. And I read an article about cutting people loose, ending relationships with friends and family members.

So, starting with my original thought...My oldest brother is Trouble! (Note that capital T. NOT a typo!) He is in his early 50's and has "done time" on several occasions. I can't even begin to count the number of times he's been in jail. And I don't even know all the reasons. I have been told that he has made the statement that he "has done it all", referring to the 10 Commandments he's broken. That would lead one to assume he's committed murder though I have no proof. I know he lies and steals and sure as shit doesn't honor our parents. That's enough for me. He walked out on his wife and three children, not supporting the kids monetarily or emotionally. When he did have his oldest son with him he allowed his new "companion" to be abusive. He has lied to my parents and done things to cause them grief and financial hardship without a second thought. For those reasons alone I had written him off. I wanted nothing to do with him. But still, he called me every year on my birthday, just three days after his. Of all my siblings, he is the only one who has never forgotten my birthday. I took his calls and was civil but I don't think I was overly friendly. When I moved to CA my mom told him where I was and gave him my new phone number as he was going to be in my area. Oh, Mother! WHY?! ("He's your brother.") He did call but I wouldn't give him my address. I fear he is like a bad penny and would keep showing up. I admit, avoiding him was easier than facing him and telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. I still did not want to hurt his feelings. Instead of having him come to my new house I agreed to meet him two towns over. I met him at Wendy's. It was the first (and so far only) time I have met his youngest daughter. We talked for hours. He was clean. But honestly, if I had seen him on the street I don't think I would have recognized him at all. (We had not seen each other in person since the mid 80's.) And if I had seen him as a stranger on the street my thoughts of him wouldn't have been nice. But he was family so I agreed to stay in touch. He called about every month or so just to check in and spin stories. Then, he stopped calling. And he hadn't called my parents. Mom mentioned that he must be in jail. Yep, he was. It's amazing what you can find on the internet these days. I found his mug shot, where he was being held, his charges and bond. Well, he was released after a couple months, he began his calls to my parents then one day they stopped, again. Mom said he must be in jail, again. Then Mom told me he had started calling my parents collect. My parents are on a limited income and do not have funds to waste on stupidity. He would yell "It's Jr, I need money" when the operator asked him to state his name. How he could have the nerve to ask my parents for money is beyond me. His current wife called my brother's old cell phone and left a similar message. I did the research but couldn't find as much info this time. So I called the jail in Fort Worth, TX. Yes, the nice man said, he is here. He's being held on two charges, bail is set at...I stopped listening. I asked him if they didn't have a three strikes law in TX? He said yes and this was his third arrest (THERE at least) but that he'd be able to get out. I told him the family said they can keep him, we don't want him. He laughed but I didn't. I was dead serious. He spent his 50th birthday in jail. I sent him a nice letter and told him to stop calling the parents for money as they didn't have it and wouldn't bail him out even if they did. (Mind you, my parents have called the law on him before!) I told him to lose my number as he was not the type of person I wanted to associate with, relative or not. I did however tell him if he would make sure we knew how to contact him I would let him know if and when something happens to our parents. I did that for THEM, not him. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. He didn't call for a year. Then, on my 36th birthday, while I was having a party with my best friends in CA, he called. I let it ring. He called back...I took the phone to my husband and asked that he handle it, tell him to stop calling. Pat answered and when Jr asked for me he told him I wasn't there. And he hung up as my dog ran out the door into the yard at that very moment. Jr told my parents he had had a nice talked to Pat on my birthday. Wow...nice conversation.

I told my parents the day I mailed the letter to him. I told them I didn't speak for them but I am done with him. DONE. Mom still gives me the guilt trip sometimes. "He loves you. He asks about you every time he calls." Then the next time we talk she'll tell me how he is such a loser and trash. In the months after I sent that letter I truly struggled with my decision to cut him out of my life. I mean, he hadn't done anything to me personally. And he was "blood". Did I have the right to cut him out of my life completely? Pat and I talked about it and I came to realize that yes, I have that right. I have the right to NOT associate with bad people. Just because we share a parent doesn't mean I have to put up with ignorance and stupidity and illegal activity. If we didn't share a parent and he were just another person I met along the way, I would have nothing to do with him. I am at peace with my decision. I wish him no harm, as I told him in the letter. I really hope he gets his life together and grows up. But I'm not going to be a part of his life.

We were recently the victims of a crime (theft) and it made me think of my brother. I told Pat with the way I was feeling towards the horrible people who ripped me off how could I have any sympathy towards my brother who has committed crimes against other people?

I've rattled on enough for today but I think there shall be a When is enough, enough? PART 2.