Opinions and Judgments and Criticizing, OH MY!

Everyone has opinions, right? And I think judging and criticizing is human nature. But how do we stop that? Or at least control it.

I am probably one of the most judgmental, strongly opinionated and critical people you will ever meet. I know this about myself. I honestly make an effort not to be this way. I have made huge strides over the last 10 years to rein it in. I'm proud of that but I know it's an ongoing battle. Sometimes I'm so bitchy I can't believe it myself! Contrary to popular belief I do not think I am perfect or 100% correct. I am learning to admit my mistakes.

That is why I'm "venting" today. Someone told me today that a good goal for me is "be employed". I may be misinterpreting this comment as it was "written" and in cases of email, etc you can't get the "tone" of the thought. But since I get this A LOT, I'm going to assume it meant that I need to get off my ass and find a job. If you don't know, I am a "housewife". I do not have a job outside the home. I do not have kids. I have a husband and two dogs and at this time, a very small apartment to take care of. I have worked since I was 18 years old. I worked while getting my 4 year degree in three years. I have had a few months from time to time when I was unemployed. I have held several jobs in my nearly 37 years. In 2007 I found I could no longer continue at the job I had for a few reasons, one of them being ethical issues. My husband was at a point in his career that he could afford the bills and our lifestyle and he agreed that we could make it on his income. He encouraged me to quit my job as I was unhappy and becoming ill from stress. From the day I quit my job I began hearing the criticism. I was lazy. It's not like I had kids to take care of. Why did I think I was too good to work? My husband actually loves having me home all the time. I did all the chores in the house, mowed the lawn, fixed his coffee and breakfast at 5 am, packed his lunch and had his dinner on the table when he got home. I worked out and got exercise, something I "never had time for" while working. I kept myself busy by learning to sew and doing crafts with my girlfriends then I volunteered at a retirement home a few days a week. Yet people still criticize me. I don't get it. It is none of their business. If this choice was good for me and my husband, why is it anyone else's business? I could see it if I were drawing money from the state. I could see it if I were asking people for money or aid of some sort. I could see it if I weren't being a productive part of society and weren't paying my bills. But I am productive. I was active with two community organizations as well as my volunteer activities. I also work with an organization supporting our troops serving in the wars. Where did anyone get off judging me! People do not know the sacrifices we have made to allow me to stay home. We have one income. We do not travel as much as a lot of our friends. We rarely take a vacation and if we do it is usually short and cheap! We have one vehicle. We live in a dinky little apartment that is far below my standards. (Ok, that's the snob in me talking!) We don't go out to events, concerts, etc as much as some people do. That's not really a sacrifice as we tend not to enjoy such things much. But we have made the decision to not do these things because we don't want to and my happiness and sanity is very important to both of us.

It's not just me that is criticized for my choice. I know lots of "stay at home moms" who are judged harshly for choosing to stay home. Well guess what, I personally think THEY ARE RIGHT! My opinion is that if you have kids you should stay home to take are of them. Why are you having children for someone else to raise? Why is putting more money in the bank more important than being there for your kid's first steps and first words? Yes, taking care of kids is expensive. But the most of the working moms I know of aren't working to make ends meet. They are working so they can buy new cars and flashy jewelry and pretty clothes for themselves and their kids. They are taking vacations several times a year. Well, that's just great, if that's what they want to do. But don't bitch to me that you are never home to take care of your kids and see your spouse. That is YOUR CHOICE. If you chose tighten the belt and stop spoiling your child with everything they whined for you could stay home too. My point is, it's a choice. And it may not be YOUR choice but you should respect others enough to not trash talk them because you disagree with or don't understand their choice. I think that's what we need to learn. Everyone is entitled to his or her opinion but we don't need to share that opinion with everyone all the time. This is something I'm struggling with. Believe me! I am aware. I get so frustrated sometimes when I see people doing things that I disagree with and that "in my opinion" are wrong. But I'm learning to bite my tongue. I may rant and rave here at home but I'd never tell you that I think you screwed up raising your kids. Oh, I have done this in the past and when it comes to my family, I feel the right to voice my opinion and to criticize. Especially when what I'm seeing is harmful in some way to the kids or when you bitch and whine to me. If you constantly want to tell me your problems, I am going to tell you what I think. Fair trade, don'tcha think?

Everyone is on social media websites. I love being able to stay in touch with friends and family. And I know not everyone is going to agree with everything I say on these outlets. I encourage and actually like having mature discussions on "controversial" topics such as politics, etc. Note "MATURE". Part of having a mature discussion, I feel, involves getting FACTS. Do not spew crap on my page. If you want to throw in your two cents worth, fine. But please, do it respectfully and don't feed me lies and propaganda. And when I suggest you look into the facts, either do so and continue our conversation or refuse to do so and shut the hell up.

And when I post about something that is important to me, such as ending animal abuse, don't waste my time arguing against it. That just makes you look like an ass and wastes my time. I despise people who find it necessary to belittle me or insist on goading me into an argument when it's something I feel strongly about. Just because you don't believe in something (or anything) strongly enough to stand for it, don't criticize me.

Wow, I think I got a little off topic. But I also think I covered my issues for today.

Everyone has opinions. It's human nature to judge and criticize. But we really need to take a good look at ourselves before we voice all of our opinions, judgements and critical thoughts. If it can't be done in a mature, responsible way, don't do it.

Now, if I can just practice what I preach!

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

I will not call someone a doody-head. I will not call someone a doody-head.

:o)

When is enough, enough?

This blog idea came to me as I was listening to a "This American Life" story about prison inmates doing the play Hamlet. The journalist met the inmates and got to know them after they were incarcerated. For most of them, he didn't know what crimes they had committed. He learned to like them for the people they are NOW. Then he went to the records office and looked up each one of his new "friends" and saw what crimes they had committed. Murder, rape of children, etc. He felt sick. He liked these men but how could he after he knew what they had done in their past.

This story got me to thinking about my oldest brother and how I feel about him after his numerous trips to jail. Then I thought about another family dealing with the bad choices of some of their relatives. And I read an article about cutting people loose, ending relationships with friends and family members.

So, starting with my original thought...My oldest brother is Trouble! (Note that capital T. NOT a typo!) He is in his early 50's and has "done time" on several occasions. I can't even begin to count the number of times he's been in jail. And I don't even know all the reasons. I have been told that he has made the statement that he "has done it all", referring to the 10 Commandments he's broken. That would lead one to assume he's committed murder though I have no proof. I know he lies and steals and sure as shit doesn't honor our parents. That's enough for me. He walked out on his wife and three children, not supporting the kids monetarily or emotionally. When he did have his oldest son with him he allowed his new "companion" to be abusive. He has lied to my parents and done things to cause them grief and financial hardship without a second thought. For those reasons alone I had written him off. I wanted nothing to do with him. But still, he called me every year on my birthday, just three days after his. Of all my siblings, he is the only one who has never forgotten my birthday. I took his calls and was civil but I don't think I was overly friendly. When I moved to CA my mom told him where I was and gave him my new phone number as he was going to be in my area. Oh, Mother! WHY?! ("He's your brother.") He did call but I wouldn't give him my address. I fear he is like a bad penny and would keep showing up. I admit, avoiding him was easier than facing him and telling him I wanted nothing to do with him. I still did not want to hurt his feelings. Instead of having him come to my new house I agreed to meet him two towns over. I met him at Wendy's. It was the first (and so far only) time I have met his youngest daughter. We talked for hours. He was clean. But honestly, if I had seen him on the street I don't think I would have recognized him at all. (We had not seen each other in person since the mid 80's.) And if I had seen him as a stranger on the street my thoughts of him wouldn't have been nice. But he was family so I agreed to stay in touch. He called about every month or so just to check in and spin stories. Then, he stopped calling. And he hadn't called my parents. Mom mentioned that he must be in jail. Yep, he was. It's amazing what you can find on the internet these days. I found his mug shot, where he was being held, his charges and bond. Well, he was released after a couple months, he began his calls to my parents then one day they stopped, again. Mom said he must be in jail, again. Then Mom told me he had started calling my parents collect. My parents are on a limited income and do not have funds to waste on stupidity. He would yell "It's Jr, I need money" when the operator asked him to state his name. How he could have the nerve to ask my parents for money is beyond me. His current wife called my brother's old cell phone and left a similar message. I did the research but couldn't find as much info this time. So I called the jail in Fort Worth, TX. Yes, the nice man said, he is here. He's being held on two charges, bail is set at...I stopped listening. I asked him if they didn't have a three strikes law in TX? He said yes and this was his third arrest (THERE at least) but that he'd be able to get out. I told him the family said they can keep him, we don't want him. He laughed but I didn't. I was dead serious. He spent his 50th birthday in jail. I sent him a nice letter and told him to stop calling the parents for money as they didn't have it and wouldn't bail him out even if they did. (Mind you, my parents have called the law on him before!) I told him to lose my number as he was not the type of person I wanted to associate with, relative or not. I did however tell him if he would make sure we knew how to contact him I would let him know if and when something happens to our parents. I did that for THEM, not him. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. He didn't call for a year. Then, on my 36th birthday, while I was having a party with my best friends in CA, he called. I let it ring. He called back...I took the phone to my husband and asked that he handle it, tell him to stop calling. Pat answered and when Jr asked for me he told him I wasn't there. And he hung up as my dog ran out the door into the yard at that very moment. Jr told my parents he had had a nice talked to Pat on my birthday. Wow...nice conversation.

I told my parents the day I mailed the letter to him. I told them I didn't speak for them but I am done with him. DONE. Mom still gives me the guilt trip sometimes. "He loves you. He asks about you every time he calls." Then the next time we talk she'll tell me how he is such a loser and trash. In the months after I sent that letter I truly struggled with my decision to cut him out of my life. I mean, he hadn't done anything to me personally. And he was "blood". Did I have the right to cut him out of my life completely? Pat and I talked about it and I came to realize that yes, I have that right. I have the right to NOT associate with bad people. Just because we share a parent doesn't mean I have to put up with ignorance and stupidity and illegal activity. If we didn't share a parent and he were just another person I met along the way, I would have nothing to do with him. I am at peace with my decision. I wish him no harm, as I told him in the letter. I really hope he gets his life together and grows up. But I'm not going to be a part of his life.

We were recently the victims of a crime (theft) and it made me think of my brother. I told Pat with the way I was feeling towards the horrible people who ripped me off how could I have any sympathy towards my brother who has committed crimes against other people?

I've rattled on enough for today but I think there shall be a When is enough, enough? PART 2.